Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
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me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Oceanography is all about current events
Good point.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.