How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
You Might Also Like
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.