can’t catch a break
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“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN