Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
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Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
When I snag the last meatball.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”