Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
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Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
we’re dead?