Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
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My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out