Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
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Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit