Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
You Might Also Like
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
The symmetry is uncanny.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one