Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
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You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
#have a #great #PancakeDay
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.