teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
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“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.