If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
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Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.