Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
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No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.