To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
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BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day