Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
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fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.