4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
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[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it