Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
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Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
This is hilarious….
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.