If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
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Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.