TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
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2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it