Worth the read.
You Might Also Like
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.