Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
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Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.