[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
You Might Also Like
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.