Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
You Might Also Like
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.