Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
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[loses house key, starts a new life]
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store