me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
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The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
The happy life.. 😊
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*