exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Mad Max: Furry Road
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Nomnomnomnom
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.