[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
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To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.