olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
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Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
me irl
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know