My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
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I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
PER MY LAST EMAIL
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Chicken bread
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-