Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
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My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
the official breakfast of 2021
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.