“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
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Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Solving a traffic jam
My Guy
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it