I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
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“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
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[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
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The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
what are they serving at kfc then???
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”