If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
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me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric