*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
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The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
i really liked this one
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
dads on road-trips be like
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.