My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
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Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
this could fix me
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.