date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
You Might Also Like
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news