Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
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Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.