I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
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As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one