[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
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This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.