It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
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In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound