My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
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Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference