There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
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[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.