Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
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What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.