The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
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I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
When you don’t understand how floors work
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.