You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
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Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never