Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
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Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”