I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
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Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
She was rare, like a goth jogging
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.