Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
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date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.