Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
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I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Ken is short for chicken
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.