I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
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“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
🙅🏻
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song