Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
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*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
i really liked this one
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.